Subject: Couple Disturb House-Proud, Tidy Burglar Asleep in Bed
From: Alex Kemp
Date: Tuesday, 14 October 2014 19:38:12 +0100
To: Micaela Kemp, Liisa Kemp, Davin Kemp

I listened to this one most carefully. I had a 10 year period around the millennium during which I had 40 burglaries & incidents at my home. I finally managed to fix it, but it was horrid whilst it was all going on.

This is a LOL news story.

Martin Holtby, 78 and his partner Pat Dyson, 73 spent 5 days touring National Trust properties. They finally got back home at 10:25pm, rather tired & looking forward to a nice cup of tea & then sleep in their own bed. Immediately on opening the front door they sensed that something was wrong...

There was neither post nor newspapers nor Pizza Parlour menus on the mat. Instead, 5 days of post & papers & menus were piled neatly on the table near the front door. In the kitchen were signs of use:- food (which they had not bought) + pots (which the couple had not themselves used) washed & left to dry in the drainer. Plus, a smell of cigarette smoke (which the couple abhor)...

Martin went upstairs & there in their bed was Polish immigrant Lukasz Chojnowski, asleep. Martin began to get rather upset, and started shouting at him. He shouted down to his partner Pat & she called the police, who arrived extremely promptly. In fact, Mr Chojnowski was still under the duvet when the police slapped the ’cuffs on him.

Their burglar said that he had thought the house to be abandoned, due to it’s “overgrown garden”. Martin rather huffily explained that it was that way intentionally, as it was a “wildlife” garden.

Alex Kemp